Monday, April 17, 2006

306. Angry and amazed

So in the spirit of partnership, with people I know in person and others through words on a screen, this seems like a good time to ask all of you to keep my sister-in-law, whose Hebrew name is Esther bat Fayge, in your thoughts and prayers. She's just beginning a long, grueling course of chemotherapy and radiation. I'm both angry and amazed at a God Who allows us to be fine one moment, have a headache the next, and a malignant brain tumor the third. The sensible part of me wonders why I can believe, in face of such ridiculousness; the rest of me, most of me, sees it as evidence of something much bigger than I'll ever understand, and so worthy of honor.

I can't comprehend the reason for and magnificence of trees and music; I give the name of that awed bewilderment "God." I'm equally confused and humbled by suffering, so shouldn't this also be my proof of God? And it is. But I wonder how I'd feel if it was me doing the suffering. I don't know, and hope I never will.

4 comments:

Glory said...

I'll certainly pray for Esther...and your ambivalent feelings really resonate with me, also. Sometimes I shake my fist, and sometimes I fall to my knees.

alto artist said...

Thank you... It is all so confusing at times.
--aa.

Regina Clare Jane said...

Oh, aa... I am so sorry. I will certainly keep Esther in my prayers. God is so mysterious sometimes- other times he is so simple- I think I like the simple part better. Hope you are holding up and I am sorry I am getting to this so late...

alto artist said...

It's never too late...and thank you so much.
--aa.