Friday, September 23, 2005

178. HaMelech

(Before I continue and, eventually, conclude the story of last year, I must apologize to... myself. [And to my ten or so loyal readers.] I had hoped to write a lot more this past week before the next installment begins, but ended up working 18 hours a day. This is not an ideal way to live, oy, and I'm trying to figure out a solution.)

I don't remember very much, a year later, about what it felt like to lead services on the first day of Rosh Hashonah. I think I was so intent upon using every possible store of my of brains and breath, so aware that I was enacting, for real, the adage "from your mouth to God's ears," that I had no capacity left to acquire memory. I felt responsible to a thousand people and tried as hard as humanly possible to pray on their behalf. It took an awful lot of energy.

I was grateful for the intensity of the rabbi at my side. Her strength reminded me of standing on the edge of a cliff below an expansive sky; I might feel the wind and gasp, and think I was flying, but I still knew that rock and solid ground were beneath my feet. There was enough power in her presence to fuel us both and probably the first few rows of people, as well.

I do remember the HaMelech section of the Amidah, a one-line meditation on the phrase "the King." During practice I realized I could get carried away and do a bad impression of an opera singer, and so I concentrated on singing simply and cleanly. I tried to envision God as a sovereign--as the golden light through the stained glass windows of the church at my favorite time of Shabbat morning, right at the beginning of Musaf--as the subject of a triumphant early English psalm setting I had performed years before which imitated the sounds of ceremonial horns and asked, over and over again, "Who is the King of Glory?" As I sang HaMelech I imagined I was a servant talking to that magisterial figure in the clouds, a metaphor that finally made sense to me.

I shut my eyes for an instant, and then decided to keep them closed. In my a cappella days I knew a guy who always assumed a a beatific, somnolent expression when on stage: yes, I so enjoy hearing my own voice that looking at you, the audience, is a needless distraction. I (and many others) found his habit self-indulgent and insincere. It seemed disrespectful to ignore the very people who were listening to you. But in that moment of HaMelech I understood that concentrating on anyone but God would be a disservice to those in whose names I prayed. I had been carefully tracing each line in the machzor with my finger, and wondered if I would lose my bearings when I finally opened my eyes. But even in the dark I felt connected and safe.

----

Tomorrow at midnight is the service of Selihot, when we hear the High Holiday nusach for the first time this season and officially begin the marathon of prayer and discovery that continues for another four weeks, until the end of Simchat Torah. (And if I'm still not convinced that the holidays are starting, four rehearsals next week will get me in the mood.) On Selihot, explained the rabbi, the gates of heaven are open to their widest. Just as we might imagine God watching us from those gates, we should also look at ourselves from the same perspective. If we had God's view, what would we think?

4 comments:

Glory said...

I start to worry when I see you write "...conclude the story of last year..." Surely you will then begin the story of this year, or some other story...

Regina Clare Jane said...

I agree, Glory...

You really have a gift, aa, and you give it to us freely. I, for one, am so grateful to you. Thank you. Happy Rosh Hashanah to you (in case I don't get a chance to say it before we leave again!)and Leshanah tovah tikateiv veteichateim!

alto artist said...

Thank you both so much...and, yes, I certainly hope to continue some story or another! (Over the next few months I'm starting an intensive Jewish studies course, and will be going to Israel in Dec. for the first time ever, so that should provide me with some material...) I made a promise to myself that I'd get last year's chapter on paper (er, screen) before this upcoming round of holiday singing began. I sort of feel like I need to archive all those details and create some more room in my brain before the next set of overwhelming experiences occur. I really appreciate all your visits and comments.
--aa.

Adinah said...

I'm with the other two gals......your thoughts, your writings are so inspiring to us (I take the liberty of speaking for them)......I am glad you were able to put them them on the screen. I too will be gine next week, so wish you a Happy New Year, and hope that you will be writing about your studies! A blessing to you.